I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
