I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
