try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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