somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
