i think i have two assholes
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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