I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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