CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
