Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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