Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
you traded sex for a burrito?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
