Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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