Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
