What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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