May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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