i think my mom watched the whole time
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
