she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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