Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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