im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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