in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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