Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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