If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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