the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
