someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
