you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
