Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize