Have you finally orgasmed yet?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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