hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
