I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
