Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
