my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
