fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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