Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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