Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Those nachos came to me in a dream
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
