I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
