Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
