When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
