shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
