Got a toothbrush?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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