My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
