He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
