So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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