I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
