She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
