She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
