Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
