Do you still have your period?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize