I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
