You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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