someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She's not a foreskin expert like you
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
