I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Randomize
