So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
