I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
