hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We don't watch enough power rangers
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize