the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
