Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Your penis caused this!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
