My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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