I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
