I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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