The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
