go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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