Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
