That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
