So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
