There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
