I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
