I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
