So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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