her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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