stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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